an asian moment w/ a pseudo-celebrity

"what a weirdo." - bill's mind

here’s the short convo i had w/ one of my heroes, espn.com sportswriter and author of the new book on basketball, bill simmons (aka the sports guy) at his dc espn zone book signing:

me: i’m one of the many asians who send u annoying yao [ming] analysis e-mails. *sarcastically rocking the yao jersey.

bill: i don’t get a lot of those these days.  *smile.

ouch, that was a good one.  the man still had it even though he looked ridiculously tired (at 1:30 AM on the day of his book release), was facing an embarrassing book shortage, and had to deal w/ fans w/ a common denominator: smart asses who think they’re funnier than they actually are (like myself).

"laugh, funny white man. laugh at our misfortune." - my mind

but the man still had a book to sell, so he offered his condolences:

bill: i like yao though.  he’ll be back.  thanks for coming.  *smile.

loren: congrats, and have a good night!  *giddy.

and here’s the sig:

for those that don’t understand the “chairman yi” reference, allow me to quote one of bill’s columns:

Q: I know it’s pretty obvious, but Yi Jianlian’s nickname has to be “The Chairman,” right? –M. Filion, Montreal

SG: Has to be. There hasn’t been a more effective nickname in years. Not only does it sound like the right nickname for him (“Chairman Yi”), but the joke-trapped-inside-the-joke (during ESPN’s lottery show, there was video of Yi posting up actual chairs and spinning around them for layups) will never stop being funny. And when you think about it, we haven’t been able to call anyone “The Chairman” since Sinatra died. So it’s done — we’re calling Yi “The Chairman.” This meeting is adjourned.

all asian-big-men disses aside, one may wonder why smart ass sports fans would wait 3 hours to pretty much flirt w/ another smart ass sports fan.  picture this: early fall 2004 … an asian boy just started law school … has no friends … no fellow smart asses to flirt w/ (and that’s how doods flirt with each other, via sports talk) … stuck in the library by himself on a weekend night … but still laughing his smart ass off to one of bill’s non-sports masterpieces … w/o a care in the world … feeling like there is someone out there who understands the smart ass (lonely ass?) within.  a moment like this is why i luv bill simmons.

now i sound like a stalker.

ten lists of 10 – one-year anniversary in dc/va edition (part ii)

#6 – things that make me feel young

1. my love of baseball caps
2. striking up convos w/ 4-year-olds at the mall candy store, “trust me, you should go with the gummy cherries.”
3. how i still watch a video i dig a million times like i did as a frosh in college
4. sports cards
5. a partner asking, “how do you like your scotch?”
6. a realtor saying, “i understand why you’d want to move downtown”
7. my pop christian books (e.g., don miller) being used and abused, while my youth pastor’s wedding gift (ancient christian commentary on scripture) is unopened
8. my reaction to the acronymn “ira” (individual retirement account)
9. mariah carey’s “dreamlover”
10. republicans

dads at the candy store don’t seem to take my advice as well, “son, let’s go [and stop talking to the child molestor-looking asian man]” … at target, when jy’s in the restroom, i sneak a peak at the sports cards section; try it, you won’t regret it … ”scotch? uhhh, ummm, on the rocks *gulp?” … go illegaly download “dreamlover” NOW; i’ll be waiting … i’m beginning to realize only old republicans (who like to call a black person hitler) have the time to go to these townhalls on health care.

#7 – things that make me feel old

1. my need to wear baseball caps
2. teen choice awards (aka the “wtf?” awards)
3. drake (rapper)
4. having no clue what chat app my teen cousins use
5. having no clue what it’s like to be “on red bull”
6. twilight references (aka the “what?” references)
7. the audience and add of america’s best dance crew (abdc)
8. when kids say, “lebron james is my favorite nba player of all-time!”
9. when i say, “but working for hollister won’t enhance your resume!”
10. relating more to the king of queens than gossip girl

drake’s “best i ever had” is as hard as a 2pac song’s first line … is aim chat now two or three generations old? … red bull? my late nights in college were inspired by this ancient concoction called “mountain dew” … abdc, thanks for teaching me dance moves for the first 45 seconds; now, how ’bout them next 45? … *sigh, being more resume-oriented than nintendo-oriented means sounding like mom and dad.

#8 – women that would take me “5 seconds” to say no to (aka the george costanza/marisa tomei special, aka my fantasy female draft cheat sheet)

1. leah remini from the king of queens (and it’s not even close)
2. alicia
3. norah
4. jun ji-hyun (aka gianna)
5. natalie portman
6. angelina
7. esperanza
8. maggie cheung
9. the hostess of top chef (i don’t even know her name)
10. penelope (post tom cruise)

• note to self: hopefully, none of the above like short, stocky, quirky, bald, and ASIAN men.
• note to wives/girlfriends: i’m not a pig ’cause after watching e! news, you’d crank out a list in 5 seconds.  99.9% chance it features johnny.
• note to husbands/boyfriends: thus, it’s ok to share your list, as long as it does not feature her bff and/or megan fox.  actually, don’t share it w/ me if it features megan fox (see list #7).

#9 – sports teams (and ranking in ‘08)

1. detroit tigers (4)
2. portland trail blazers (2)
3. washington wizards (5)
4. washington nationals (6)
5. san francisco giants (9)
6. seattle mariners (8)
7. chicago cubs (3)
8. detroit pistons (7)
9. houston rockets (1)
10. los angeles clippers (nr)

• note to my sports friends: this list provides prima facie evidence that when the clips start 15-10, i am not jumping on the bandwagon but instead, started the ignition.  thank you.
• note to the tigs: go!
• note to yao: hang in there, buddy; i still have your boys in my 10.  yao 4 life.

#10 – junk fast food chains (i.e., not subway)

1. white castle (and it’s not even close)
2. chick-fil-a
3. five guys
4. arby’s
5. hungry howie’s
6. steak escape/charley’s grilled subs
7. wendy’s
8. a&w
9. chipotle
10. mcdonald’s

chick-fil-a’s polynesian sauce makes me want to go to polynesia (was that pc?) … arby’s + david “bff” cheng = high school … steak escape/charley’s is my go-to mall food, and for some reason, i’m pretty loyal (i.e., “f panda express!”) … a recent wendy’s ad featured the spicy crispy chicken sandwich as “the sandwich one grows up with”; i started tearing … i’ll always be a mcdonald’s apologist, so much so that when one screams, “i hate lawyers who work for big tobacco,” i tend to shy away ’cause i’d kill to defend the big mac in court (kill).

note: i finish with the most difficult to produce list in human history.  if you enjoy mental challenges, go to “fast food chains” in wiki, and try not to be stressed by having to make cuts.  for me, it was in-n-out due to lack of cali experience.  *sigh.

feel free to hit me w/ your “counterlists.”  just expect some counterarguments from moi …

ten lists of 10 – one-year anniversary in dc/va edition (part i)

#1 – things i luv about dc/va

1. the aura of barack obama (and the minute chance he’ll be at the five guys u’re at)
2. five guys (lots of them)
3. dogfish head ale house
4. driving down conn ave by the monuments at night
5. the weekend section of the washington post
6. thomas boswell of the washington post
7. the kennedy center river terrace (w/ a bottle of stella)
8. haircuts by local koreans
9. the underrated greenspace of dc
10. everyone’s a lawer

#2 – things i hate about dc/va

1. everyone’s a lawyer
2. i-66 e on friday night
3. dc traffic during tourist season/protests
4. the median price of a home in va
5. the median square footage of a home in dc
6. the average number of parking spaces in dc (0)
7. the average temperature on the metro (95 degrees f-in’ hot)
8. the frozen yogurt market players (e.g., yogen fruz, iceberry)
9. how every area is “hot,” which means that none of them really are
10. republicans

#3 – so you think you can dance season 5 dances

1. “ruby blue,” roisin murphy | jeanette and brandon | choreographer: wade
2. “mad,” ne-yo | jeanine and phillip | choreographers: nappytabs
3. “love lockdown,” kanye | jeanine and phillip | choreographers: nappytabs
4. “you’ll find a way,” santogold | phillip
5. “libertango” from forever tango | jeanette and brandon
6. “move,” mims | jeanine and ade | choreographers: nappytabs
7. “gravity,” sarah bareilles | kayla and KUPONO | choreographer: mia
8. “if it kills me,” jason mraz | jeanine and jason
9. “eyes on fire,” blue foundation | kayla and kupono | choreographer: sonya
10. “loving is really my game,” brainstorm | jeanette and brandon

#4 – underrated michael jackson songs

1. “wanna be startin’ someting” from thriller (and it’s not even close)
2. “you rock my world” from invincible
3. “can’t let her get away” from dangerous
4. “they don’t care about us” from histroy
5. “jam” from dangerous
6. “will you be there” from dangerous
7. “stranger in moscow” from history
8. “p.y.t. (pretty young thing)” from thriller
9. “scream” from history
10. “butterflies” from invincible

“wanna be …” was one video away from being bigger than “billie jean,” etc. (instead it peaked at #5 in the u.s. CRAZY) … “they don’t care …” and “jam” hit so hard, especially in comparison with the modern softies like usher and jt … “will you be there” is hurt by the annoying 2-minute intro and the free willy association, but is one of the most surreal experiences in music … “p.y.t.” has mad luv, but should get more for its staying power (i.e., who can rock “beat it” these days?) … if “butterflies” was sang by anyone else, say john legend or alicia, it would’ve been a bonafide hit, but barely anyone felt the sexiness of jacko ’cause of his past; i did.

#5 – things that annoy me on facebook (and rationale)

1. the couple profile pic (yes, your single friends are on facebook too)
2. the random pic profile pic (if you are trying to be funny w/ your face, your face is probably funny)
3. the <name> likes this comment (great, thanks for having no rationale whastoever)
4. the “in a relationship” status w/o a link to anyone (so lame for your stalker friends)
5. the “it’s complicated” relationship status (every relationship is complicated, immature drama king/queen)
6. the gift application (thanks!  that’s so sweet of you to send me a 4 pixel by 4 pixel icon)
7. how i cannot remove lame applications, like the gift application
8. the twitter spammer (quality over quantity people!)
9. not sharing/untagging photos (see rationale 4, and you’re paranoid)
10. the “cities i’ve visited” dominator (yes, your friends with toddlers are on facebook too)

note: i have violated several of the above.

best show ever

goes to so you think you can dance … well, at least for the summer. jy and i watched religiously … in fact, jy luved it so much that it often made her choked up (*tear) … i, on the other hand, like the samba and the foxtrot but truly waited in dire anticipation for the hippity-hop … below are my top 4 fave performances from season quatro:

4. “like you’ll never see me again,” alicia

courtney (the girl) is one step behind will (the best dancer award; he only lost ’cause he was more will smith than lil’ wayne) on this one … but the chreography is SICK … cheesy yet slick at the same time.

3. “stronger,” kayne – pop ‘n’ lock battle

i think this is the first time i’ve ever seen such high quality pop ‘n’ lock … too many asian imitators out there.

2. “midas touch”

twitch doesn’t get the best dancer award from me, but he does get the “if i could be one guy in the show i’d be him” award … coolest guy ever … even though he slightly bites kanye. my goal in life is to master the “circle moonwalk.”

1. “no air,” jordin & chris brown

i think i’m in the mood for dramatic hip-hop choreography a la aliyah/usher (in his prime). joshua (the eventual winner) and katee (the eventual runner-up) are so passionate … they truly “finish their moves” … and make me like this overplayed song.

hopefully this list will make jy mad and make her share her thoughts!

heaven on earth #30: nationals park | dc (review)

reason #7,858 why i luv jy: she either likes or is very good at pretending to like accompanying me on my nerdy/manly pilgrimages to the heart of the sports universe (i.e., the venues).  it’s getting to the point that jy may enjoy worshipping at the altar of greasy junk food, thundersticks, and pointlessly yelling at the coach to guard the open three-point shooters more than me (or at least she deserves an oscar) … and i’m the least bit concerned.  ’cause like every boy in america who stinks at world of warcraft, one of my life goals is to attend every nba and mlb venue before i die (except for those in cleveland … i hate cleveland) …  and it’s such a blessing to grow old with someone that’s willing to sacrificedelay her night at the opera for drunk boys in xxxl jerseys screaming for spoiled boys in cheesily-colored jerseys.

jy and i attended the chicago cubs v. washington nationals game on april 26 @ spankin’ new nationals park (cubs dominated 7-0 on carlos zambrano’s solid 7 innings).  the following are my initial thoughts on the ballpark:

the “majesty”/dimensions: b-

overall, i like a ballpark that has what i call the “majesty” factor: it kinda overwhelms you with its size and beauty (especially with some sun splashed across the green) … but at the same time, i want a ballpark to have its fair share of home runs, not to be a hitter’s park but to be hittable (so i can achieve every boy’s dream of catching a homer).  cases in point: wrigley field in the chi lacks majesty and is too hittable (cubs fans are stressed enuf as it is but have to worry about 9th-inning homers); safeco field in seattle is unfreakingbelievable to look at but kinda a snoozer during the game; comerica park in the d is perfect (and yes, i’m biased).

nationals park is pretty with its open design and its patriotic colors (with a dash of fenway green).  however, although nationals park claims that it’s fair and statistically leans toward being hittable, i’m a tad concerned about the wind effect from the nearby river (just like at&t park in san fran).  that day, it was a tad blustery and when jy and i hit up batting practice, we didn’t see any go out of the park for a home run.  none.  i once attended bp at comerica park and saw marcus thames knock almot everything out.  the word is that the wind makes it nearly impossible to hit a homer down the lines, but there aren’t that many seats down the middle.  so, potential problem here that needs more numbers before drawing it as a conclusion.

scoreboard: a+

the hd scoreboard is the best i’ve ever seen ’cause it’s like 1,000,000 dpi (i did not sound like a patent attorney just now).  i kinda understand the traditionalists who balk at anything that is not wrigley and may be distracting to hitters, but even they might fall for the minutia that fills up them screens (e.g., every at bat for each batter, whether the batter throws left or right).

special features:  b+

while dc sports no brilliant skyline to fill up the gaps (like seattle), it does have its own charms to complement the ballpark: the capitol building (seen above) and the washington monument (which we unfortunately didn’t spot).  nationals park also has its version of the centerfield biergarten, the red loft, which i liked for its flashy, “love in this club” bar.  note the hanging lights behind the red loft, giving that area (the main entrance) a euro charm.

mascots: d

when did george wash. and thomas jeff. get so creepy?  the allure of big heads and bobbleheads has never made sense to me (maybe ’cause i have one).  are kids supposed to be drawn to them?  find them cute?  i’m digressing here, but check out a bobblehead at night in the dark for a true fright and a great horror screenplay.

amenities: c+

ballpark food needs to find a good balance between ghetto and bourgey, and if possible, it needs to be memorable like the grilled onions on the dogs at wrigley (*stomach growls) or the sushi at seattle while watching ichiro.  unfortunately, nationals park caters more to the bourgey (i.e., the politicians who sit in the $350 “presidential seats”) and even features a vendor that sells trademark food from other ballparks … but alas, it is a young place and at least covers all the bases (e.g., more beer than bud and bud light).

overall: b

- loren

our top 5 brunch places

to some, brunch is just eggs and potatoes, mixed in some fancy shmancy way … nothing fundamentally special.

to jy and i, it’s an INSTITUTION … a coma-inducing, high-calorie institution, but nonetheless, an institution.

eggs (omelettes, baybee), potatoes, sausages, bacon, french toast, belgian waffles, english muffins, fresh-squeezed oj, mimosa, the fine institutions go on and on and on … and usually, you can’t have ‘em all in one sitting … unless you go to a slamming, 5-pounds-in-one-session-gaining buffet … but i digress … i seriously, seriously digress (in my glorious daydream mmm bacon mmm) … 

our first official date was over brunch (@ park kitchen in portland, oregon) … and after many more brunch dates together, i’m thoroughly convinced that all the “brunch haters” out there simply never had it gourmet.  their “brunch experiences” include denny’s, ihop, and mcdonald’s … all fine in their own right but truly not worshipful.

for the real deal holyfield, hit up the following (if you’re in their respective towns):

norma’s | nyc

 

norma’s is not the most charming place.  it’s sleek and aerodynamic (?).  it requires reservations days in advance.

but man, does it pack a punch in flavor.  check out the waz-za (above): a waffle (perfectly light and fluffy) with fruit on the outside, fruit on the inside, and a brulee top.  absolutely sick, sick i tell you.

remember to make your man get the balancing salty (as jy does and i happily oblige).  we tend to go conservative and order the eggs benedict wherever we go, so we can compare for blogs no one reads like this one.  but at norma’s, the eggs benedict (above) ain’t your cookie-cutter eggs benedict.  its foundation consists of rich buttermilk pancakes on a bed of asparagus (like a juicy steak).  then, its smothered with this hollandaise sauce that can feed a village for days (yes, we felt guilty for eating it).

norma’s weakness?  surprisingly, it’s the lackluster potatoes, which is a speciality of …

sarabeth’s | nyc

sarabeth’s has the complex (e.g., pumpkin waffle topped with sour cream, raisins, pumpkin seeds and honey as seen on the left), but its their simple (e.g., their brand name preserves on a croissant) that gives jy and i hunger pains and deep longings.

cafe des artistes @ corcoran gallery of art | dc

remember that brunch buffet i was daydreaming about?  now, picture that glory with made-to-order malted waffles and omelettes amidst a fab art gallery (for walking them calories off) and a dancing, high-fiving gospel choir that features 3-4 big mommas (sunday only).  i think that day was the first time jy saw me cry.

chart house restaurant | alexandria, va

brunch places by the river are a dime a dozen, but chart house restaurant in old town alexandria has a quiet charm that flows with the neighborhood.  or perhaps it was the restaurant’s proximity to the u.s. patent office that brought out the excited nerd in me.  or perhaps it was that big huge glass of mimosa …

cafe du berry | portland, or

jy and i have experienced the posh and the humble of portland brunch, including way too many (not enough?) late night affairs with the old crew (most of ‘em at the fir).  but no place balances portland’s rustic cuteness with gourmet food quite like the very euro cafe du berry.  with its cramped spaces and its cubist paintings, a morning at the cafe literally feels like eating at a place on the outskirts of paris.  plus, the french toast is to die for (i.e., liquid gold, whatever that means).

- loren

can you stand the rain?

popseoul! is one of my fave blogs … luv the sarcasm and the “jack@$$ery” …

but popseoul! and i strongly disagree about one thing:

popseoul! thinks korean singer, rain, is a total tool; i think rain is a demigod sent here to destroy the universe with his sheer sexiness:

BEST PERFORMANCE EVER!!! better than jt, better than usher, better than *gulp michael (rain’s more refined than the raw michael; who says an apprentice can’t outdo his master?) … and this is coming from someone who’s getting married (see above), not from a lonely teenage girl in malaysia.

case in point: february 29, 2008.  jy and i attended the jyp tour in the garden, nyc.  sweet show except the place was half empty (as opposed to “sold out” as jyp claimed during his set).  the place was half empty ’cause:

“where were the chinks (besides me)?”

do uknow who brings out the chinks (and the rest of asia-america)?  do uknow who DID bring out the chinks?  the sexiness did:

that’s why, unlike popseoul!, i believe rain is the only hope to asian-kind in america … even though he is an esl student whose repeating the first grade over and over (and over) again … even though he’s been experiencing a few problems lately.

instead, jyp entertainment is hoping “the hills” crowd digs a lil’ bit of soul … a lil’ bit of G-SOUL (git it?):

the dood was alright that night … kinda boring … kinda short … but seriously, how can jyp producemanufacture the sexiness, the triple threat (i.e., singing, dancing, & uhhh sexiness?) … and then come out with a lil’ g-soul (with none of the above) to sweep through america, land of really, really tall and good looking people?

to make matters worse, do uknow who is indirectly funding this fiasco?  my precious, overworked wonder girls (who couldn’t last more than 3 songs that night):

all the profits of “tell me” are being horribly invested by this man:

who made jy scream like a fourteen year-old, which was quite the sight to behold.

bottom line: although it was nice to be in a room full of koreans (who enjoy their music by not dancing to it but filming it with their digi cams) … and although the first 30 seconds of “tell me” were worth the price of admission for me (such an amazing intro) … i left the garden semi-disappointed … yearning for a PHENOM … yearning for a yellow brothuh to conquer whitey … yearning for some chinks in da house … yearning for the sexiness.

rain isn’t a tool; he’s our only hope ……..

- loren